Teaching An Audio Workshop At A Porn Company

As you can imagine it takes a while to get used to talking to a room full of people as muted hardcore porn plays on the giant monitors in the back of the conference room. Which of course I’m facing.

Spoiler Alert - There is no porn in this post.

My First Tour

It’s dark. There’s a ton of traffic moving at a high rate of speed. I’ve never been here before. It’s 2005 so no GPS. I have a printed out map from Map Quest which I can’t really see in the dark. The rain is overwhelming my windshield wipers as lightning lights up the sky.

Driving my father’s pick-up truck with a canopy borrowed from my friend Richard, I pull into Boulder, Colorado. I find myself thinking, “What the hell am I doing?”

Before I left Portland, I bought a cheap cooler that plugs into the cigarette lighter and it’s already not working. The bed of the truck is filled with a thousand DVDs.

My family and friends think I’m either insane or stupid to do this. Many people are convinced I’m going to fail. They might be right.

After two solid days of driving I have twenty-three dollars in my pocket. That’s not enough money for gas to get me to my next stop, or to get home. If I don’t make money here the tour is over before it even begins.

My first stop, a guest lecture at the university, for the princely sum of seventy-five dollars. Which, of course, they won’t pay me until thirty days after I’ve invoiced them. A fact I’m unaware of.

It doesn’t go well. Like many students I encounter on this first tour, they are less than impressed with my real world experience. Working my ass off, I manage to sell two DVDs. One goes to the Professor who booked me, and feels really sorry for me. I make twenty dollars.

I meet as many faculty members as I can to see if anyone else wants me to do a guest lecture while I’m there. No takers. In fact with the exception of the Professor who booked me, no one is very friendly to me.

It dawns on me. Why in the world would I think that any of these film professors would want me to talk about filmmaking and show my work? They’re academics and obviously know more about filmmaking than I do. I’m merely a working filmmaker. Maybe doing a tour wasn’t a good idea…

Adult Content Delivered Discreetly

The next morning I do a workshop at a private media company that’s paying me a large sum of money to speak to their employees about sound, and my experiences making films.

Did I mention that the media company is a satellite cable channel that specializes in “adult content,” delivered discreetly to your hotel room?

I know what you’re thinking. How much creative sound could be involved with porn? It’s just a bunch of moaning and really tacky library music. Right?

The employees don’t make the porn. The films/videos come from someplace else. All these employees do is edit trailers, teasers, and other promotional stuff for the porn.

Many of the employees I meet are graduates of the university’s film program. They’re working on their own films – animated, experimental, and independent – outside of their jobs. I’m told if you graduate from Boulder with a film degree and you want to stay in the area, your choices are working for the Ski Film King (who they tell me doesn’t pay shit) or you can work for this porn comp… I mean, media company, that pays really well.

Since they all have student debt and staying in Boulder isn’t cheap, they work where they work.

They are a great audience! Their questions are well thought out and they take notes like crazy while I explain how I solved particular problems on the various films I’ve worked on. Most of them have specific questions related to their own films. We have a great time as I show them examples of ways they can fix things, or things they should have done in the first place so they wouldn’t have the problems they were experiencing.

Apparently filmmaking workshops were something the owners/management of the company would do every now and again for their employees. From what I could tell in my short time there, they really appreciated their employees and did things for them. (This was quite a few years ago so who knows if they’re even in business anymore.)

There was just one small problem...

There were large video monitors everywhere inside the company, monitoring the satellite feeds.

As you can imagine it takes a while to get used to talking to a room full of people as muted hardcore porn plays on the giant monitors in the back of the conference room. Which of course I’m facing. I do my best to act casual and pretend that it’s no big deal.

I need to focus on what I’m talking about, and not wonder how the couple on the monitor got into that position I’ve never seen, much less imagined?

I’m sure there were times when I did a double-take, when my eyes would wonder for a second. After a certain time working there, the employees probably don’t notice the content on the monitors unless there’s a major error/problem with the feed.

The three hours I’m booked fly by, and after a wonderful catered lunch the employees line up to buy my films. I sold a ton of DVDs and everyone paid me in cash!

The person who booked me hands me my check as soon as the workshop is over.

Combined I make over $1200. I am flush. The tour will go on.

After this gig I start doing something that I continue to do on all of my tours.

I figure out how much money I need for my next couple stops and then I send all the checks and most of the cash I make on merchandise home to be deposited into an account that I don’t have easy access to.

If I only have a small amount of money on me then I’m going to work hard at every gig. It’s great motivation to do the best workshop or guest lecture I can. If audiences are actively engaged then most of them will buy a DVD, book or a T-shirt afterward.

I toured a few months at a time, twice a year for over seven years. If you wish to know more about my life on the road with my faithful companion, Moses the 120 pound Chocolate Lab, head on over to my website (angryfilmmaker.com) and pick up a copy of my book, Road Dog.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week.

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